Month: April 2017

Very Funny, Scotty! Now Beam Down My Clothes!

Here is a post that appeared on my Facebook page three years ago today. Yes, I’m a Trek nerd; at least, I used to be.

The FB Star Trek poll question of the day is, “Which character would make the best U.S. President?”

Here’s my answer, plus a few bonuses:

James T. Kirk as president. He never met a skirt he didn’t like, but that’s not really a disqualification anymore. Besides, he’s tough, honest and knows how to quote the Constitution.

Janeway as Vice-President. Because the VP can be useless and get away with it. Plus, she’s the only female with whom Kirk can be trusted.

Data as Secretary of Treasury. He’d solve our debt crisis in a matter of days.

Picard as Secretary of State. The French make good diplomats, but he and Kirk could outthink Putin together. More important, Picard could probably have the Israelis and Palestinians singing and holding hands within a year’s time.

Worf as Secretary of Defense, for obvious reasons. Kirk will need that Klingon bastard if Picard fails.

Spock as Attorney General. Does anyone doubt that he would apply the law logically, but with just the right measure of compassion? And he’s the best one to have Kirk’s back when all of those sexual harassment lawsuits start rolling in.

Beverley Crusher as Secretary of Health and Human Services. I love Bones, but he’d make a lousy politician.

Sisko as National Security Advisor since he’s got a lot of war experience.

Sulu as the outspoken gay lobbyist whom everyone pays lip service to when he’s in the room, but then express their annoyance with when he leaves. Captain Archer can be Sulu’s poster boy for the inevitable repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

Odo as both the Speaker of the House and Senate Majority Leader, representing both parties. He’s the consummate politician who can change his shape to fit the moment.

Deanna Troi as the only journalist who can get an interview with President Kirk.

Riker as the leader of a group of anti government extremists who stage a coup against Kirk. Riker’s surface reasons are government over-reach, but he’s really motivated by jealousy over the Troi interview. In his words, “An interview doesn’t take four hours, and why were the cameras turned off after 20 minutes!”

Wesley Crusher as Edward Snowden’s successor. Picard will fake tears when Kirk has him executed for treason, but will celebrate privately with a bottle of, “The old.”

Jadzia Dax as the spokesperson for the mentally ill. Her tagline is, “Sometimes, I feel like there’s someone else living inside me.”

Updated additions:
Pavel Chekov as Secretary of Transportation. Of course we’re going to use the Walter Koenig version from the prime timeline… Because we’re sensitive to Anton Yelchin’s memory. Not to mention the fact that Putin won’t be as tempted by an American imitating a Russian, rather than the genuine article.

Chakotay as the leader of a radical environmentalist group who attempt to sabotage the Dakota Access Pipeline. The cast from those ridiculous reboot movies as his ragtag followers who eventually die of exposure after an outdoor 4/20 celebration. Chakotay dies with the words, “The science is settled,” on his lips. When Spock sees a YouTube video of this, he laughs for the first time.

The Borg Queen as a professor of women’s studies at the University of California at Berkeley. Seven of Nine as a professor injured in a riot during a speech by Secretary Worf, who disperses the riot single-handed.

Geordi as the man who invents a self-driving car that actually works.

Q as an omniscient being who plays a cruel joke on America by causing two airliners to collide over a quiet neighborhood in Albuquerque.

Enjoy Your Meal

Folks, I want to thank all of the anonymous, well-intentioned people who have paid for my meals at restaurants over the years. I know you were just trying to “pay it forward.”

But it’s not necessary.

There are many people in this world who could use a free meal. College kids who are working on a degree. Post grads who are struggling to pay back their student loans. Service men and women who want to save that extra bit of cash for their families. Cops, teachers, nurses and others who keep our community vibrant. Single parents who put food in the mouths of their kids before feeding themselves. The list goes on and on.

Just because I’m blind doesn’t mean that I need your charity. I work for a living and have been doing so for almost three years now. If you could see a photo of me, you’d be well aware that I ain’t starvin’.

Many blind people like myself are gainfully employed and should be the ones who are paying it forward. Some are trying to find work and have not succeeded. Others choose not to work. Yet, how strange that most blind people I know seem to be able to afford those shiny toys that they don’t really need, regardless of their income levels.

Nah, folks. If you want to buy a meal for a stranger, do it for someone who truly needs and deserves it. But, if you really have a compulsory need to spend money on me, send me a box of cigars.

A Bold, Fresh Piece of… Somethin’

Bill O’Reilly is history and I have no sympathy. He made his bed and now he’s gonna have to lie in it.

Fox News announced today that they are cutting ties with the king of cable news punditry after a series of high profile sexual harassment suit settlements came to light. In the wake of Roger Ailes’ departure, this doesn’t surprise me. O’Reilly settled his first major lawsuit in 2004 and common sense should’ve told him to curb his appetite. Yet, sexual predators are strangers to common sense. Just ask Bill Clinton.

A large plank in O’Reilly’s platform was the upholding of family values. This is illustrated in his book, “The O’Reilly Factor,” in which he urges his readers to control their impulses, lest the reverse should occur. He purported to serve as a warning messenger, but as it turned out, he was speaking from experience.

In fairness, I was a fan of O’Reilly throughout the Bush years. I found his traditional spin to be refreshing, even if he often stepped on those who disagreed with him (particularly women) a little too harshly for my liking. I did admire his push to make Jessica’s Law, which would force judges to hand out strict mandatory minimum sentences to those who were convicted child molesters, a reality in all 50 states. I also agreed with his views on immigration, pot legalization, foreign policy and religious liberty.

Yet, as the years wore on, his skin seemed to grow thinner, particularly after Obama was elected. In 2010, O’Reilly appeared on The View and engaged in a debate with the hosts that resulted in Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar angrily storming off stage. View viewers saw it once, but the audience of the Factor got to see it over and over and over again, as O’Reilly paraded guests on to analyze the walk-out from every angle.

At his best, O’Reilly was a patriot who championed America and traditional values. At his worst, he was a flagrant self-promoter and a bully who’s catch phrase, “No spin,” was merely code for O’Reilly spin. If you doubt it, just YouTube any of his interviews with Donald Trump.

So, O’Reilly is gone and the jury is out as to whether or not his brand image will recover. In the meantime, lefties across the board are cheering and raising a jar to his apparent demise. If you secular-progressives will pardon me for pissing on your parade, I have a question. Who did you vote for last November. Was it the woman who enabled another sexual predator to operate at the highest levels of power for decades?

Sure, O’Reilly’s downfall serves as another nail in the coffin of social conservatism. In the wake of Trump, we’ve earned it and we’re going to have to live with it. But while you’re dialing up your hypocrite meters, let us not forget that the party that champions feminism, and that claims that every woman who accuses a man of sexual assault has the right to be believed, is the party of Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner and the late Ted Kennedy.

Hypocrisy runs both ways and human weakness is non-partisan.

The Big Mushroom

Lets see a show of hands. Would you guys rather read/hear me talk about Syria, or Gorsuch?

Hands up high! Get’em up there! Keep’em up!

And the winner is… Syria!

Sorry to say it, but my FB page is not a Democracy. It’s a dictatorship. A benevolent dictatorship to be sure, but a dictatorship none the less. So, it’s Gorsuch.

Politics is nothing more than gamesmanship. You Mr. Smith Goes to Washington types may wring your hands at this fact, but there it is. We don’t play for points on a scoreboard or for cash on the table. We play for power.

Okay, so sometimes, money under the table achieves the same ends, but never mind.

Anyway, he who controls the board, makes the rules, or breaks them if he/she so chooses. Last November, the GOP won the White House, thereby giving us control of all three chambers of the legislative body in D.C. Many leftist conspiracy nutjobs think the American people were doing Putin’s bidding, but it looks as if we just gave Vlad 60 big party poppers that spell, “Kiss my ugly American ass!” There goes that theory.

Now, I know that leftist narrative number one was, “Republicans stole Garland’s seat!” I know that liberals will have no truck with logic, but I’ll try to spell it out anyway. You can’t steal something that never belonged to the other party. No, McConnell never gave Garland a hearing, but he wasn’t entitled to one. I feel absolutely no guilt over this fact because I have zero doubt that, if the situation had been reversed, Democrats would’ve played the exact same game. Senator Biden told me so in 1992.

So, the GOP invoked the Reid Rule. In other words, we nuked the Dems and while we bask in the glow of the great big mushroom cloud over Capitol Hill and wait for the tables to turn so the Dems can forget their outrage and do it to us, I will celebrate the fact that Scalia’s seat has finally been filled, thereby restoring the court to a healthy balance. This is a good thing, but good is a mere byproduct of the game.

I know many of you slacktivists will switch to leftie narrative number two; “Gorsuch is an illegitimate judge! Resist! Resist!” You’ll get up a big, righteous, progressive stiffie and the media will lather up their hands with a palm full of lotion and jerk you to fruition. Isn’t it interesting that, when the Tea Party were the ones engaging in resistance, the media put on a steel wool glove before administering their handjob? Oh well.

Yes, Mom, I know you’re reading this. I know I’m being uncouth and tactless, but I also know you’re laughing inside even as you grimace. It’s like that time I took one of Dad’s barbecue ribs and pretended to shave with it. You acted mad, but I could tell you were grinning behind the anger.

My final thought is this. If only McConnell and Schumer would’ve just cracked a Pepsi together, all of this could’ve been avoided. What about Trump and Putin? Putin seems like a Mountain Dew kind of guy.

Never mind. I don’t think it would be wise for The Donald to accept any drinks offered by Putin for a long, long time.

Remembrance of a Branded Man

Merle Haggard passed away one year ago today. This is what I wrote as a memorial to him on my Facebook page:

“I never been nobody’s idol,
but at least I’ve got a title.
And I take a lot of pride in what I am.”

RIP, Merle Haggard.

He was that rare breed of country music performer who was completely authentic, because he lived the life that was in his lyrics. When he sang about prison, he was credible because he’d done time. When he sang about poverty, you believed him because he grew up during the Great Depression. When he excoriated the anti-war crowd, he was persuasive because he was a patriot, in spite of running afoul of the system.

He did not sugar-coat the heartaches and the failures that are so common to the journey of life; as do the country singers of today. He pulled them out from under his bed and revealed them to us, and we all listened together with earnest intensity. We laughed, we loved, we wept and we hoped for something better, because we realized that we were listening to a great teacher who himself had been a tragic student in the school of human pain.

Thank you, Merle, for all you have given to the world of country music. You can go on now, brother, and sing me back home when you get there.