Very Funny, Scotty! Now Beam Down My Clothes!

Here is a post that appeared on my Facebook page three years ago today. Yes, I’m a Trek nerd; at least, I used to be.

The FB Star Trek poll question of the day is, “Which character would make the best U.S. President?”

Here’s my answer, plus a few bonuses:

James T. Kirk as president. He never met a skirt he didn’t like, but that’s not really a disqualification anymore. Besides, he’s tough, honest and knows how to quote the Constitution.

Janeway as Vice-President. Because the VP can be useless and get away with it. Plus, she’s the only female with whom Kirk can be trusted.

Data as Secretary of Treasury. He’d solve our debt crisis in a matter of days.

Picard as Secretary of State. The French make good diplomats, but he and Kirk could outthink Putin together. More important, Picard could probably have the Israelis and Palestinians singing and holding hands within a year’s time.

Worf as Secretary of Defense, for obvious reasons. Kirk will need that Klingon bastard if Picard fails.

Spock as Attorney General. Does anyone doubt that he would apply the law logically, but with just the right measure of compassion? And he’s the best one to have Kirk’s back when all of those sexual harassment lawsuits start rolling in.

Beverley Crusher as Secretary of Health and Human Services. I love Bones, but he’d make a lousy politician.

Sisko as National Security Advisor since he’s got a lot of war experience.

Sulu as the outspoken gay lobbyist whom everyone pays lip service to when he’s in the room, but then express their annoyance with when he leaves. Captain Archer can be Sulu’s poster boy for the inevitable repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

Odo as both the Speaker of the House and Senate Majority Leader, representing both parties. He’s the consummate politician who can change his shape to fit the moment.

Deanna Troi as the only journalist who can get an interview with President Kirk.

Riker as the leader of a group of anti government extremists who stage a coup against Kirk. Riker’s surface reasons are government over-reach, but he’s really motivated by jealousy over the Troi interview. In his words, “An interview doesn’t take four hours, and why were the cameras turned off after 20 minutes!”

Wesley Crusher as Edward Snowden’s successor. Picard will fake tears when Kirk has him executed for treason, but will celebrate privately with a bottle of, “The old.”

Jadzia Dax as the spokesperson for the mentally ill. Her tagline is, “Sometimes, I feel like there’s someone else living inside me.”

Updated additions:
Pavel Chekov as Secretary of Transportation. Of course we’re going to use the Walter Koenig version from the prime timeline… Because we’re sensitive to Anton Yelchin’s memory. Not to mention the fact that Putin won’t be as tempted by an American imitating a Russian, rather than the genuine article.

Chakotay as the leader of a radical environmentalist group who attempt to sabotage the Dakota Access Pipeline. The cast from those ridiculous reboot movies as his ragtag followers who eventually die of exposure after an outdoor 4/20 celebration. Chakotay dies with the words, “The science is settled,” on his lips. When Spock sees a YouTube video of this, he laughs for the first time.

The Borg Queen as a professor of women’s studies at the University of California at Berkeley. Seven of Nine as a professor injured in a riot during a speech by Secretary Worf, who disperses the riot single-handed.

Geordi as the man who invents a self-driving car that actually works.

Q as an omniscient being who plays a cruel joke on America by causing two airliners to collide over a quiet neighborhood in Albuquerque.

Author: Ryan Osentowski

My name is Ryan Osentowski. I am a conservative blind guy going through life using the structured discovery method. I currently work as the Station Manager at a radio reading service for the blind. My passions include politics, writing, cigars, old-time radio, quality TV shows and movies, food, music, reading, clocks, swimming and tbd. I hope you will enjoy what you find here. If you don't...try it with a strong dose of alcohol.