Nine years ago today, I joined Facebook. So what have I learned in those nine years?
I learned that Donald Trump is Hitler, and that Barack Obama was the anti-Christ.
I learned that parents love to post photos of their kids on Facebook far more than they love teaching them how to act appropriately in public.
I learned that Hollywood stands firmly with the #MeToo movement, even though they are the ones who sparked it.
I learned that Denver has a far superior public transit system to anything in Nebraska, but Nebraska has nicer coworkers.
I learned that the words, “None of you will share this,” is code for, “All of you suckers should share this!”
I learned that Breaking Bad and The Sopranos have aged far better than 24 and Lost.
I learned that Mark Zuckerberg is able to provide half-ass descriptions of photos for blind people, but he can’t answer a simple question from a senator about the definition of hate speech.
I learned that the death of a friendship may occur, not after an angry confrontation, but when one person suddenly realizes that the other person has blocked them on Facebook.
I learned that Rush Limbaugh was a conservative… Until he wasn’t.
I learned that the phrase, “It’s complicated,” really means, “None of your damn business.”
I learned that the term, “Fake news,” has evolved from one used after a Halloween prank played by Orson Welles to a verbal hand grenade selectively deployed depending upon whether or not Jake Tapper or Bret Baier is currently on the screen.
I learned that far more people will “like” this post if I include a picture of my cat. I don’t blame you.
I learned that America is as divided as its ever been, and that the Civil War was this thing that happened in another century.
I learned that the words, “Delete post,” are a lie. Nothing on the internet really ever goes away.
I learned that love is love is love is love, unless you happen to be expressing love for an unseen god.
I learned that a birthday wish hastily written on your virtual wall has taken the place of a card or a phone call.
I learned that a series of novels with a running character really should end after 10. It’s time for Lucas Davenport and Joe Pickett to retire.
I learned that a person’s true nature will emerge when they are hiding behind the anonymity of a keyboard or touch screen.
I learned that Star Wars should have died when Darth Vader did.
I learned that you can claim over 500 Facebook “friends,” yet be the loneliest guy in the world.
I learned that Barack Obama represented the second coming. I also learned that Donald Trump is a political genius.
PS: I know none of you will share this.